Good evening, internet! Today is Friday, and d’you know what that means?
…I’m sorry I asked that question; I actually don’t care about your answers, because they’re all going to be wrong. Let me just tell you. It means that this crappy week is coming to an end. When shit hits the fan, it really hits the fan! To make up for this week’s shortcomings, here is my weekly* HTN roundup. Think of it as the lightning round at the end of a game show, only instead of a tie, it’ll break my mental stability.
Roe v Wade may be threatened, as Justice Kennedy retires from the Supreme Court. Great! Let’s make it really hard for women to get access to contraception so that they are more likely to either seek dangerous alternatives or be forced to carry unwanted pregnancies to term. After that, Pro-Lifers will suddenly stop giving a fuck, because the only “lives” they care about are cute little embryos and fetuses, not – ugh! – already-born people.
They especially don’t care about babies and children of color who may never have a way of seeing their parents again. No, Brenda, it’s not different. Weren’t you all the ones who were all about “All Lives Matter”…? Hm? Or did you just mean “Some Lives Are Better Than Others” but didn’t want to look bad?
Serena Williams had drug testers show up at her home for the 6th time this year to make sure she wasn’t using any performance-enhancing drugs because a black woman can’t just be fucking good at something without people getting suspicious. Calmen, blanquitos.
You know what else makes people nervous? Young kids trying to make an honest living. Take twelve-year-old Reginald Fields, who has been mowing lawns during his summer vacation. He even has a couple of employees. You know what I was doing at age 12? Not starting a business, that’s for sure. Anyway, someone got uncomfortable and called the police on Reggie, because he got too close to their yard and may have cut some of their grass. Similarly, Alison Ettel got her panties in a twist because an 8-year-old child was selling water bottles without a permit. Exercising her right to be a white person who is mildly uncomfortable with the existence of black people, she called the police (but only after she called her building’s security guard).
At some point, people need to start getting fined for wasting police officers’ time on this kind of petty bullshit. “A black or brown person is in my line of sight” is not a good reason to call the police. I’ll give you a moment to process that information.
…you okay now? Great! Let’s talk about precious, innocent children, specifically ten-year-old Anthony Avalos. Anthony had his entire life ahead of him. That is until his mother and/or her boyfriend decided to torture him to death after he came out as gay. Apparently, the child and his siblings were victims of long-standing abuse and neglect, but after declaring that he liked boys, Anthony “fell” and landed in the hospital, where he died the next day of injuries that were certainly inconsistent with your typical childhood scrape. The mother and boyfriend have not been charged with a crime yet, so they’re free to beat any of their other potentially queer family members to death!
Seriously, though, there are worse things your child could admit to. Having sex with animals. Murdering the neighbor. Allowing Sarah Huckabee Sanders to eat peacefully in their restaurant. Being gay is pretty benign.
Alright, that’s as high as my blood pressure can go for one evening. I know I didn’t touch upon everything that went wrong in the world in the last few days, but what are you going to do about it?
*may not happen weekly