JUST DRIVE Presumably, most teenagers cannot wait to get behind the wheel and start driving. Ergo, I thought myself an oddity for cowering at the very thought. Why learn to drive when I knew two perfectly capable adults who had been, up to this point, willing (if not obligated) to cart me around? My mother,... Continue Reading →
Teeny Tiny Chronicles, Chapter 12: Parenting, 80’s Style
PARENTING, 80’S STYLE Back in the 80s, “helicopter parents” were a rare breed. Today, if you don’t hear your child for more than five minutes, then your neighbors might as well call DCF. In the 80s, if you didn’t hear your child for more than five minutes, it was a good day. You may even... Continue Reading →
Teeny Tiny Chronicles, Chapter 11: Spitballs
SPITBALLS The second heart-to-heart I ever had with my mother was in Spain when we were staying at my aunt Mariela’s apartment. Mariela lived on the top floor of a building in Madrid. My father, who is her little brother, taught me how to terrorize people from above in the form of spitballs and... Continue Reading →
Teeny Tiny Chronicles, Chapter 10: The F Word
THE F WORD When I was in the second or third grade, I discovered that some words were naughtier than others. I was standing in line with the other students, a skill that was not at all transferable into my adult life (so don’t invest too much time figuring it out, kids), when one of... Continue Reading →
Teeny Tiny Chronicles, Chapter 8: The B Word
The B Word When I was young and spunky, my parents had a friend named Fred. He was the most interesting person I knew at the time. A very wealthy man, Fred had a pool, a mansion, and a significantly younger live-in girlfriend. (I didn’t even know it was possible to live with someone with... Continue Reading →
Teeny Tiny Chronicles, Chapter 7: Star
Star While my father used his paternal advantage against his easily-embarrassed offspring, my mother provided more than enough unintentional retribution for anything he ever did (and will do in the future, for that matter). The following tale takes place in 2003, at a time when I was becoming less ashamed of, and thereby more amused... Continue Reading →
Teeny Tiny Chronicles, Chapter 6: Follow the Bubbles
FOLLOW THE BUBBLES Summertime was particularly difficult for my parents, as we were at home with nothing to do for months. One way my mother kept my sister and me entertained was to bring home a whole package of pink copy paper from the hospital and letting us draw our little hearts out. We always... Continue Reading →
Teeny Tiny Chronicles, Chapter 4: Shoes
Shoes When I was in school, one of my teachers designated a block of time once a week to read from Shel Silverstein’s A Light in the Attic. I always looked forward to it, partially because I thought that being read to was a great luxury and partially because I was so captivated by Mister Silverstein’s... Continue Reading →
Teeny Tiny Chronicles, Chapter 3: Fired
FIRED When I was a little girl, I told my mother that I was terminating our parent-child contract and would soon be looking for a replacement mother. “You’re not my mom anymore,” I said. She was furious, but I remained steadfast in my decision. I would be looking for alternative mothers in the near future.... Continue Reading →
Teeny Tiny Chronicles, Chapter 1: Books
Once upon a time, I was a child. These are my stories. BOOKS My mother likes to recall the moment I learned to read, back when I was three years of age. They were short sentences and very easy words, but I had taken so long to start speaking, the fact that I was reading... Continue Reading →
